School

Conflict Resolution

Summary: It’s not me vs you it’s me + you vs the problem

Common Causes of Conflict

  • Miscommunication
  • Unmet needs
  • Power struggles
  • Value differences
  • Ambiguity or unclear roles
  • Perceived disrespect or lack of recognition

Conflict Styles (Thomas-Kilmann Model)

  • Avoiding – Low concern for self and others. Delays conflict but rarely solves it.
  • Accommodating – High concern for others, low for self. Good short-term, but can lead to resentment.
  • Competing – High concern for self, low for others. Useful in emergencies, but can harm relationships.
  • Compromising – Moderate concern for both. Both sides give a little; fast, but not always ideal.
  • Collaborating – High concern for both. Takes time but creates win-win solutions.

Core Conflict Resolution Concepts

Active Listening

  • Listen to understand, not respond.
  • Reflect back key points: “So you’re feeling ___ because ___?”
  • Avoid interrupting, judging, or jumping to solutions.

I-Statements

  • Express feelings without blaming:
    “I feel [emotion] when [behavior] because [reason].”

Interest vs. Position

  • Position: What they say they want.
  • Interest: Why they want it.
  • Focus on interests to uncover common ground.

De-escalation

  • Stay calm. Lower your voice. Use open body language.
  • Name the tension: “I sense we’re getting tense—let’s pause and regroup.”

Actionable Conflict Resolution Steps

  1. Pause and cool off if emotions are high.
  2. Define the issue clearly—what exactly is the conflict?
  3. Listen without interrupting.
  4. Use I-statements, not accusations.
  5. Identify shared interests.
  6. Brainstorm options together.
  7. Agree on a plan (who does what, when).
  8. Follow up to check if the resolution is working.

Theories That Help in Practice

Nonviolent Communication (Marshall Rosenberg)

  • Focus on:
    1. Observations (no judgment)
    2. Feelings
    3. Needs
    4. Requests (concrete, doable)

Principled Negotiation (Harvard’s “Getting to Yes”)

  • Separate people from the problem.
  • Focus on interests, not positions.
  • Generate options for mutual gain.
  • Use objective criteria.

Attribution Theory

  • We tend to blame others’ behavior on their personality instead of their situation.
  • Reframe: “What might they be going through?”

Tactical Phrases to Use

  • “Help me understand…”
  • “Can we find a way that works for both of us?”
  • “What’s most important to you in this?”
  • “Let’s take a short break and revisit this calmly.”
  • “What would a fair outcome look like to you?”

When to Involve a Third Party

  • Power imbalance
  • Repeated or escalated conflict
  • Emotional or psychological harm
  • Stalemate
  • Use mediation: Neutral third party helps both sides find common ground.